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Sorry Snowman

by Sorry Snowman

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1.
Pub Night 02:51
From the table beside the window, we're watching Andy play his show. He's singing about the friends he's made and the girl he met a week ago. The light is picturesque and dim. The doorman scoffs and lets me in. I step inside, the warm air soothes my cold and cracking skin. My brother sings along while I order the drinks. He leaves a slice of pizza for a trip to the bathroom sink. I glance outside the window and the snow picks up again. Andy plays his final song and climbs off stage at a quarter past ten. We talk about the weather. We talk about our friends. Our incessant chatter doesn't seem to extrapolate an end. We finish up with our plates and sling our jackets across our shoulders and say today was fun, let's do it all tomorrow.
2.
I can never know what you're thinking. I can only drive you home. I still remember where your house is and it chills me to the bone to see your mother on the driveway. She doesn't recognize me so I don't wave because she might ask you, "hey who's that driving." She might ask you how I've been but you don't want to be reminded of 60-minute showers and wearing long sleeve shirts in the summer. So you get out in silence and I pretend I'm tired. your eyes meet mine to say the only mistake I made was trying to hold on to you darling. My ghost is floating along in the darkness in the hallways of your house while you try to chase it down and get it out. But you're not haunting me so much as I am haunting you and now you know that even bad dreams do come true.
3.
Let's see what the summer does to us. The weather's always nice and the clothes you wear decide on how you spend your Friday nights. Let's see what the summer does to us. I hope we stay the same because if this doesn't work this first time it'll never work again. Let's go to parties on the weekends. I'll give your arm a nudge to show our friends that we're still in love but we're not fooling anyone. With all the problems between us that no one wants to discuss, let's pretend we don't notice them and see what the summer does to us.
4.
My friends and I like to live our lives like the plot of a high school movie where no one leaves the coffee shop on time to go to work or to go to school and everybody thinks that they're so cool. I hope it's just a matter of time. My friends and I would never think twice about sleeping in or staying home but none of us could stand to be alone for any second of any day. Yeah, we don't think it's cool to be "OK".
5.
I know your skin is only see-through. That's why I hardly ever see you. I think you like it when you're outside like when you're walking on the shoreline. Ever thought about drowning. You never really loved your family or your friends. I want to know where you're going. I guess you want to know too. You like to keep yourself busy with all the things you never do. But you're not going to stick your neck out for the people that don't stick their necks out for you. I've been hoping that one day you can get some sleep without wearing yourself out but I think you like it a bit too much now.
6.
I have so much free time all the time so I keep myself busy by skating at the pond. And lately, my eyes have been nothing but a bother because everything I see is a sharp memory. You're the red and the yellow and the green and the blue. You're the technicolour sunset and the dirt on my shoes. You are Halloween parties and my walks home from work. I hate Halloween and walking home always made my feet hurt. But I don't care enough to lock the front door. And my mom doesn't care that I don't come home anymore.
7.
This New years eve is another excuse for my friends to get drunk and for me to kiss you. I step outside for a cigarette and watch a hockey game through the neighbour's window. But you won't kiss me cuz I smell like your dad. Who smokes a pack a day and drinks a lot when he's mad. I finish the rest of my beer and head to the bathroom to clean myself up. I hear you talking from down the stairs about how you hate that I drink and you hate that I smoke and all you want is a tonight New Year's kiss and a quiet ride home. As I wash my face and brush my teeth, midnight hits and I miss the ball drop. Then I forget why you love me. Then I forget why I care so much.
8.
Twenty-seven hours in. You still won't close your eyes. What a funny way for high school friends to say their last goodbyes. He asks if we're gonna go to the city and see the lake at night. But the diner feels so congenial with all its neon lights. In a mildly torturous sort of way, the town is rid of all misprise. Staying awake for one full day is how I spend my time with the guys. Andy says he doesn't hate this place as much as he used to say he did. Your friends all say they won't forget you. It hasn't hit you yet. No one seems to notice that you've been gone for 10 minutes. Wipe away your stubborn tears and leave the place as it is. You say you got a funny feeling you'll never see all your friends again.

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released March 24, 2019

written + recorded by sean

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Sorry Snowman Ottawa, Ontario

owen + dax + cole + sean

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